http://blog.filmmonthly.com/ en-us Copyright 2008 Mon, 02 Apr 2007 09:58:00 -0600 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss SHORT TAKES- MAY 2007 TELEVISION A television pilot is being created based on the Geico cave man commercials because the whole world is going to hell. It will undoubtedly bomb and cost the studios a lot of money. But hey, after Jesus rose from the dead and Wild Hogs became a $200 million hit, anything’s possible. In other news of bad television ideas, ABC is planning to air the pilot for their supposed Grey’s Anatomy spin-off (with Addison headlining) in May. The first hour will be Grey’s Anatomy and the second hour will feature Addison leaving to join another hospital staff including C-list actors Taye Diggs, Timothy Daly and Merrin Dungey with the best roles they'll ever be offered. Moving on to hospital news we actually care about, numerous reports indicate that ER star Goran Visjnic (Luka Kovac) will be leaving at the end of this season. Though rumors claim the producers will have him back for a few episodes next season to resolve his current plotline with Maura Tierney. Much like Noah Wyle and Julianna Margulies, we wish you the best of luck in straight-to-video land, Goran. Fear Factor host and unfunny comedian Joe Rogan called out Carlos Mencia at a comedy club on stage a few weeks ago. The topic: Mencia stealing material from other comedians. According to Rogan and a handful of other comedians including George Lopez, Mencia has been stealing bits from other people’s acts for years. Rogan even went as far as to say (on his website which also includes video evidence) that comedians have a secret sign they use to warn each other of Mencia being in the audience during their shows. All of this information would be a whole lot more interesting if Joe Rogan were actually funny. After over a month of agonizing scrutiny, the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith were finally concluded and she died of… drug overdose. NO FUCKING SHIT! Did an autopsy even need to be done? There were so many drugs in that chick you could still get high off her cremated ashes. Now, can we finally move on to something more important? Like the Iraqi war or the Britney Spears divorce? MUSIC Marie Osmond is getting divorced from her husband, and I’m shocked that this even made news headlines. Didn’t know you were still alive there, Marie. Say hello to Donny for me. We all know you dumped your husband for him. Apparently incest is the way to go these days for a career boost. Snoop Dogg was denied a Visa to England because the country doesn’t like his image. He was planning to tour for the next two weeks abroad with a team of musicians, but was not allowed access into the country. This probably had to do with the fact that he was armed with multiple 9mms and smoking a joint when stepping off the plane. Just an assumption. Justin Timberlake blames celebrity magazines for turning his personal life into juicy gossip. "I despise what they do," the 26-year-old singer tells Details magazine in an interview in its April issue. "They create soap operas out of people's lives. ... It's a spin game, and I choose not to take part in it." Except… you are… taking… part… in it… by… talking… about it.. Once a musician, always a retard. Speaking of which, Kevin Federline gets $1 million out of divorce settlement from Britney despite signing a pre-nup that said he would be getting far less. Because this is America dammit, and in America- lowlife, white trash, poser rappers can just fail upwards by sitting on the couch all day. MOVIES Burger King is looking toward the silver screen as they combine with a major studio to produce a live-action feature film on the uncomfortably creepy plastic King from the commercials. This just in- there is no God. Moving on. A stand-alone film entitled “Machete” is already in the works based on a fake trailer featured in between the two Grindhouse flicks opening this weekend. This is because nothing is more entertaining than Danny Trejo slashing countless extras and banging numerous hookers in the process. Major studios have been battling for the rights to “Forrest Gump 2: Keep Fucking Running God Dammit” for years now, and apparently the rights have finally been secured and the sequel is moving forward. No word yet on whether or not Tom Hanks or his mullet will return, but word on the street says the book sequel is actually pretty decent. I’ve lost all faith in Hanks and my own life after this year’s monster disaster “The Da Vinci Code” and I’m probably going to cry about it later. In other news of the completely unnecessary, a remake of Escape From New York is in the works, with Gerard Butler (300) starring and Neal Moritz (Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Stealth) producing. This has apparently infuriated Kurt Russell who doesn’t want his Snake Plissken legacy fucked with… and neither do we. Michael Bay’s Summer epic Transformers was given an R-rating, probably for “Ridiculous, Robotic Violence.” But executive producer Steven Spielberg owns the MPAA (they’re all Jewish and he made Schindler’s List bitch) and told them to change the flick back to a PG-13. They obeyed their master immediately. Well guys, its been fun! Catch everyone on the flip side. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2007/04/short_takes_may_2007.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2007/04/short_takes_may_2007.html Mon, 02 Apr 2007 09:58:00 -0600 SHORT TAKES- DECEMBER 2006 By Clint Fletcher TELEVISION Michael Richards is a racist, but apparently that’s the way to go. His star has never shined brighter, even during his Seinfeld days. I really hope Frasier calls a Mexican a “wet back” soon so people will pay attention to him again. Not to mention Mel Gibson is still out there fussing about the Jews because of course, his movie is coming out this week. What timing these bigots have. Danny DeVito gets drunk and goes on The View. He spends most of his time bashing Bush, and has the audacity to skip over Barbara Walters being older than Jesus, and Rosie O’Donnell being an obnoxious cow. Shame on you, Danny. Though granted if I looked like Danny DeVito and haven’t made a good movie in a decade, I would be drunk 24 hours a day. Prison Break actor Lane Garrison (Tweener) was involved in a car accident in LA which resulted in the death of a 17 year-old boy. While early reports indicate alcohol was to blame, Garrison shows no signs of worry, for if he gets sent to jail Michael Scofield will soon break him out. In other tragic news, The OC actors Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson have officially split. Neither actor has commented about the reasons behind the break-up, but the public has a pretty good indication that the cancellation of their show had something do with it. What’s that? The OC is still on??? NBC’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just been picked up for a full season. Why? Because it’s a damn good show, that’s why. If you haven’t tuned in yet, you’re simply going to hell. Monday nights at 9pm after Heroes. Be there. MUSIC Amid reports that they had the healthiest marriage imaginable, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline called it quits earlier this month. Miraculously, within 48 hours Spears lost 200 pounds and appeared on The Late Show to show off her new bod. Since then she’s been flashing her beaver all over town with Paris Hilton. Do all these stupid whores have the same publicist? First Hilton, then Lohan, now Spears? Whenever they’re not front page news anymore they open their lips when no one asked them to. I know what genital herpes looks like, thank you. Speaking of STDs, after just four months of marriage, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock placing the couple in the “No Shit, Sherlock” category. In other depressing news, despite reports that Keith Urban is out of rehab, it turns out he’s still a junkie after all. While photographers caught glimpses of Urban and wife Nicole Kidman eating lunch, apparently they were just taking a break from “Hollywood Rehab” where people can leave whenever they want to go have a drink or score some more drugs. All of this is in violation of a pre-nup contract Kidman had Urban sign that says if he ever goes back to rehab, she’s entitled to everything. She needs to divorce him, get depressed again and win another Oscar. Surely that will make her feel better. MOVIES According to Frank Darabont, Indiana Jones 4 will probably never happen thanks to the Almighty George Lucas, who didn’t like Darabont’s script despite Steven Spielberg praising it. All of us film geeks have been under the impression that the film was being re-written under a new writer, but during an interview with Darabont earlier this month he claims that Spielberg and Lucas will probably never reach an agreement. Hmm. Saving Private Ryan or Attack of the Clones? You decide. In other bad sequel news, Eddie Murphy is going ahead with plans to make a Beverly Hills Cop 4. No word yet on whether any of the animals in the movie will talk. Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be rated G and probably produced by Disney. Whenever Wesley Snipes returns to the US he will be going to jail. According to a federal judge, Snipes is hereby ordered to turn himself in for tax fraud. The judge also claimed that if Snipes returns and does not turn himself in, Tommy Lee Jones will be unleashed to hunt him down. Legendary director Robert Altman died last week. There’s no joke here, this just makes me sad. A judge has sentenced a young man to jail for movie piracy. The man, who three years ago recorded the movie The Core with a camcorder inside a theater, will spend seven years in prison making this the harshest punishment ever for movie piracy. In a statement released by the judge: “He recorded The Core. That’s the shittiest movie anyone could have ever picked and he’s going to jail for it.” http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/12/short_takes_december_2006.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/12/short_takes_december_2006.html Wed, 13 Dec 2006 01:33:00 -0600 THE HOLIDAY by Clint Fletcher There is only one filmmaker out there today that has the ability to repeatedly churn out decent chick flicks. Her name is Nancy Meyers. And not only has she written flicks like Private Benjamin, Baby Boom and Father of the Bride, she’s also the girl behind the camera for What Women Want and Something’s Gotta Give. Meyers is also known for high budgets, glamorous set pieces and recruiting A-list stars. But sadly, The Holiday is Meyers’ weakest movie to date. The Holiday is a classic example of giving a filmmaker way too much power and money. This flick reportedly cost about $90 million, probably thanks to 4 A-list stars. However, the movie’s weaknesses don’t lie with the stars, it lies with the story. This seemingly simple plot-line could’ve been played out in about 90 minutes, but instead its stretched severely to 2 and a half hours of mostly sheer nonsense. On top of this, the screenplay follows no structure whatsoever. In plain terms- its all over the place. The movie doesn’t know where to go so it goes everywhere, in all different directions. First, we have an attractive movie trailer editor (Cameron Diaz) that swaps houses with an English journalist (Kate Winslet) over Christmas break. Both women are running away from heartache in search of a new beginning. Then enter the men. Diaz falls for Winslet’s brother in England (Jude Law) while Winslet falls for one of Diaz’s friends back in LA (saving grace Jack Black). While it would seem wise to bounce back and forth between both story lines, Meyers pays no attention to balance, spending 30 minutes on one couple, 10 on the other, 40 back on the other, so on and so forth. Unfortunately, an enormous amount of time is spent on the least interesting couple- Diaz and Law. There was nothing remotely interesting about either of these characters excluding the fact that they’re cute to look at. I don’t mind either actors, except that Diaz sometimes comes off as an annoying ditz and no matter what character Law is playing, he comes off as an arrogant prick (as he is in reality) even if he’s portraying a selfless person. But the real spark of the movie is Kate Winslet and Jack Black. Winslet can out-act any actress in Hollywood today, and Black is the only person that puts the “comedy” in this so-called “romantic comedy.” Without these two, the movie would be completely lifeless. Sadly, their performances only bring the movie to a sub-par level. The Holiday isn’t Christmasy enough to be considered for the holidays or funny enough to be considered a romantic comedy. Its far too long with too many pointless sub-plots (what did the old screenwriter dude have to do with this story???). I would compare it to a Christmas turkey (no pun intended)… the fat needs to be trimmed and the middle needs to be stuffed with some humorous goodness. Save for Winslet and Black, The Holiday should be reserved for next year on home video. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/12/the_holiday.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/12/the_holiday.html Sun, 10 Dec 2006 10:10:00 -0600 THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE by Clint Fletcher Oh how I wish there was some kind of escape clause for this flaming piece of shit. World-renowned scholars wouldn’t be able to describe how hard this movie blew. And do you know how bad you have to fuck up a Christmas movie for me to hate it? The movie stars two comedians who haven’t been funny in ten years. Tim Allen must suck a mean dick because the man still gets his horrendous projects green-lit. To tell you the truth, I really dug the first two Santa Clause movies. Much like the Pixar flicks, the writers managed to make two family holiday movies with a little something for both kids and adults to enjoy. The second flick got a little more childish, but there was the cutesy love story for adults. This is part 3’s biggest flaw- its all kiddie games this time around. If you think that reindeer farts are funny, then this is your dream come true. This movie was written for five year-olds and quite possibly written BY five years olds as well. There is very little excitement on the screen and very few laughs to be had if you’re old enough to pee in the toilet. Tim Allen stars as Scott Calvin, aka Santa Claus (duh!). After impregnating Mrs. Claus (why couldn’t that scene be in the movie?), Scott has the in-laws flown up to the North Pole for emotional support when the baby arrives. But guess what? The baby is due on Christmas Eve! Didn’t see that coming you fucking cliché idiots! Anyway, apparently there’s a rule that Scott can’t let anyone outside of his immediate family know the truth about who he really is and about the North Pole. So the elves get together and disguise the joint as a small Canadian town. Forget that they’re all midgets. Forget that everything is Christmas-themed. Forget that everyone works in a gigantic toy factory. Forget that Calvin looks like Santa Claus. Because apparently the in-laws were fooled pretty darn well! What great writing this is! Eat shit and die. This movie also has some false advertising going on. The trailers make it out to look like Jack Frost (the dreadfully unfunny Martin Short) is on a mission to become the new Santa. While this is the case, this plot line only takes place for twenty minutes of the film. During this time, Frost tricks Scott into using “the escape clause” in which he is sent through a portal to where he would be now if he had never became Santa. These twenty minutes are the only entertaining moments of the movie as Scott witnesses what his life would be like if the events in the first movie had never taken place. He’s estranged from his son. His wife is nowhere to be found. His ex-wife and Neil are divorced and depressed. And worse off, Frost (now the new Santa) has turned the North Pole into a tourist attraction. These brief events are what the whole movie should’ve been about. That’s what the trailers advertised anyway, and it would’ve been a much more entertaining movie had this been the major plot instead of the ridiculous in-laws shit. Anywho, there is one redeeming quality of humor in the form of Judge Reinhold. I always dug his character Neil and the type of comedy he brought to the first two flicks. Though a bit forced at times, Reinhold hits his mark well, especially when his character gets to visit the north pole. And kudos to the producers for getting ALL the actors back from the first two flicks. These three films put together have 12 years in between them, and it must’ve been a hell of a job talking everybody into coming back. Waitaminute… all these actors are doing jack shit. I bet even Reinhold just sits at home waiting for them to call him for another Santa Clause movie. And how in the holy hell did they get Ann Margret and Alan Arkin to sign on to this script??? That must’ve been one hell of a paycheck they cashed. Besides Judge Reinhold and a somewhat entertaining third act, The Santa Clause 3 misses the mark in all aspects of filmmaking. Even for a kiddie movie its an extremely weak and lifeless script, giving us a film that is destined to go down in flames with other shit-storms as Christmas with the Kranks and Jingle all the Way. I hope the real Santa takes a big nasty dump in the producers’ stockings this Christmas. Then perhaps they’ll get a whiff of their own product. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/11/the_santa_clause_3_the_escape.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/11/the_santa_clause_3_the_escape.html Mon, 06 Nov 2006 00:52:00 -0600 SHORT TAKES- AUGUST 2006 By Clint Fletcher TELEVISION The Emmy nominees were announced last week. Leading the pack are fan favorites 24 and Grey’s Anatomy. Both Lost and Desperate Housewives- who have dominated the Emmys for the past two years- were both shut out of all major awards. Not ONE stupid whore from Housewives got nominated. Could this mean I’m actually going to enjoy the Emmys this year without seeing a drunken Teri Hatcher trip over her own saggy boobs? Speaking of Desperate, the day after the show discovered they were shut out, producers released a statement saying that the next season is going to be much better than the previous yawn-fest. They even mentioned that there is an upcoming episode involving a hostage situation where one of the main characters is killed off. If its anything like Survivor, the most annoying will be the one voted off… this could be the most difficult decision in the history of man. ER has a new retarded plan to boost ratings this year- they’re splitting their season in half. The first half will be shown from September-Christmas with consecutive episodes, then they will return in April to finish out the season, making way for a new shitty show to take its place in between. But Uncle Jesse has joined the cast so they’ve already lost their core viewers. Kevin Bacon is lined up to direct the season finale of The Closer, as he is Kevin Fucking Bacon and he can do whatever he wants. This will be the eighth time he’s worked with his wife (star Kyra Sedgwick) and the third time where Bacon directs her. Unless they’re counting the bedroom where he has directed her to choke on his bacon more times than anyone can count. Star Jones is leaving The View, leaving some much-needed weight support on the stage for Rosie O’Donnell. I never really found Star Jones to be all that famous, yet where-ever I turn I see her in the news. Why? Listen honey, people don’t care what you have to say anymore than we do the Housewives girls. You may be a lawyer, but you’re also fat. Wait a minute, you had all those surgeries and now you’re skinny, right? I liked you better when you were blocking the sun. At least then you would make the front page of Weight Watchers Magazine. Happy eatings you shriveled prune! On the opposite end of the spectrum, anorexic whores Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, who have somehow managed to stay on the same show while ignoring each other, have decided to make amends publicly on Letterman in September. After a ten minute make-out session, they will compare anorexic stomachs on live television as Paul Shaffer will be the only one spared of this horrific event (he’s blind right?). Meanwhile, Letterman will just stand there laughing with his old self while silently figuring out how he’s going to stay alive until his son’s pre-school graduation. MUSIC Lance Bass is gay. What a shocker. A member of a boy-band… gay? MADNESS! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- the most popular boy-band on the planet has yet to be discovered. The first time five guys get together and openly admit that they’re gay and blow each other on a regular basis, THAT will be the most successful boy-band of all time. Hell, they could even have a catchy name like- Circle Jerk. This is why the Backstreet Boys are still in the closet- they only bang each other. But after Ellen, when your career is going down the shitter all you have to do is tell the world that you’re gay and you’re back on top… of men. Come on, now. His name is LANCE people and his last name has ASS in it. MTV turned 25 yesterday marking its 10th year of running a music-less network. According to the company, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is still the most-watched video of network history, probably because it’s the only video where he’s still black. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson kicked off the first stage of their White Trash Wedding Tour this week. Their plan is to marry four times in four different locations, starting on a yacht. And we all know what happens when Pam gets drunk on a yacht. Bad things happen- like Tommy Lee’s kids. While we’re talking about the skankiest sluts imaginable, Carmen Elektra is divorcing rocker-husband Dave Navarro. Didn’t see that one coming at all. They were my rock in Hollywood, that true couple that I really expected to make it. How is Carmen Elektra still famous again? Does she have a television show that no one knows about? Speaking of break-ups, Prince filed for divorce from his second wife this week. And get this- the blatant homosexual singer has DENIED being married to her for nearly the past decade. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now you crazy fruit you. Hey Prince… Lance Bass is single. MOVIES Pirates of the Caribbean became the biggest movie opener of all-time and Lady in the Water became Shyamalan’s biggest flop of all-time. You mean Paul Giamatti can’t sell a movie? Just look at Sideways and its $800 opening. Colin Farrell’s stalker takes things to a whole new level by charging the stage during a taping of Leno. Apparently she was trying to serve him court papers- AGAIN. The woman had attempted to sue him for stalking her via phone calls and emails last year and now she’s at it again. Yet when you go to this woman’s website you’ll find that she’s written a book on Farrell and even created an alcoholic drink named after him. Hey crazy lady- Prince is single. Warner Brothers announced yesterday that Heath Ledger will be playing the Joker in the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. They also released the official title- “The Dark Knight.” I was shocked. I was rooting for “Brokeback Batman.” Catchy, yeah? In other superhero news, with all the excitement of Aquaman on the fictional television show Entourage, life may soon be imitating art. The show has James Cameron directing a big budget Aquaman movie with fictional character Vincent Chase as the star. But with all the buzz going around and the fact that the recently released Aquaman pilot became the most watched event on You Tube ever, rumors are all over the place that a big budget movie is on the way. The best rumor yet is James Cameron contacting Mark Wahlberg (show creator) and saying “why don’t we really do an Aquaman?” Sure, everyone forget the fact that Aquaman would make a shitty movie and that Cameron lost his mind a long time ago. Although, anything to do with putting gay men under water really floats Cameron’s boat. Perhaps it will really happen. While we’re on the subject of directors losing their minds, Mel Gibson was arrested for a DUI last week. No big deal, right? Actors get DUI’s all the time. But then Mr. Gibson just had to release a long statement claiming he’s been an alcoholic for a while and that he’s hanging on by a thread. Gee Mel, the whole thing would’ve blown over if you had just held back. Eager to get back on the front page, are we? Throwing fuel into the fire, the police released their official statement to the public on the incident. It states that Gibson shouted tons of anti-Semitic and sexist remarks in a drunken rant such as “the Jews are responsible for all the problems in the world” and calling a female officer “sugar tits.” I don’t know about you guys but I think Mel Gibson is my new hero. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/08/short_takes_august_2006.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/08/short_takes_august_2006.html Wed, 02 Aug 2006 20:58:00 -0600 THE RANT: LEAVE 9/11 MOVIES ALONE by Clint Fletcher On September 11, 2001, our nation suffered the worst terrorist attack ever to take place on U.S. soil. To this day, the event is discussed through our media via news channels, television shows, radio shows, music, and now film. This is a touchy subject to say the least, but it is a subject that we will never be able to escape for years to come. Over the past few months, the newest topic up for discussion has been the 9/11 films, particularly the theatrical flicks- United 93 and the upcoming World Trade Center. Many are protesting these films, saying America is not ready for a 9/11 movie. To these people that are protesting, I’m hear to say SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO HOME. When, in the history of film, has a studio picture ever been halted due to a large group of protestors and backlash? Let me enlighten you- its never happened. Sure, there are flicks that have been made and got thrown on the shelf because they couldn’t get past the MPAA or for some type of law suit or what have you, but this is getting out of hand. Do these protestors honestly think that they’re going to stop the release of a multi-million dollar studio picture? HELL NO. You people are wasting your precious time and energy on a lost cause. I sympathize with everyone that lost a friend or relative on that horrible day, I really, really do. But attempting to stop a major motion picture by drastic measures isn’t going to help anyone. And furthermore, in the case of United 93, you’re attempting to stop a picture that is trying to HONOR the memory of your loved ones. Now, of course I understand that many people won’t be able to handle these movies. If you can’t handle these movies then just don’t go. Leave them be. That’s what Americans do- when they see previews for a movie they don’t want to see, they stay home. These two flicks are no exceptions. I touched upon this topic a bit in my United 93 review a while back, but I would like to go deeper into the subject while I have the chance. Many of you out there believe that the time is not right for a 9/11 movie because the nation is still healing. I’m here to tell you right now- there is no healing to be done. Whether these films are made this Summer or twenty years from now, everyone will be taken back to that day like it was yesterday whenever its brought up. And for those who have lost loved ones in the attack, you know much better than I do that the pain you are feeling will pierce your heart until the day you die. Not to say that time doesn’t help, I’m sure it does. But a majority of the protestors aren’t protesting the films themselves, just the time period they’re being released in. Many argue that Hollywood should wait a few generations to make such pictures, like Saving Private Ryan and Pearl Harbor did. What is the point of this? If filmmakers today have the capability to make such pictures, why would people want them to wait and make it for future generations when they could make it for the generation that is most vulnerable to the subject? They have the means to make them for a generation that experienced this day firsthand, a group of millions that know what it felt like while it was happening. This is what filmmaking is all about. If technology had advanced far enough back in the early 50’s as it has today, you bet your sweet ass Hollywood would’ve cranked out Saving Private Ryan and Pearl Harbor and Schindler’s List. Not to mention the fact that within 5 years of WWII being over, numerous films were made about it. And I’m not even going to count how many Vietnam movies were made WHILE Vietnam was still going on. But since technology had not yet advanced enough, these films of the past just weren’t enough to cause the controversy these 9/11 films have been able to. Another argument many protestors have is the fact that Hollywood is “cashing in” on 9/11. I completely disagree with this statement. People have to make a living, including filmmakers. Police officers, doctors, firemen, psychologists, etc. are all professionals that chose to help people for a living. Yet these people still have to make a LIVING… they still have to get paid. I’m sure the filmmakers and actors of these movies would love to make the flicks for free if they could, but sadly they cannot. So if Nicolas Cage wants to star in a 9/11 movie and do justice to a human being that was involved while getting a paycheck for it, I see nothing wrong with this. But these protestors are making it hard for all these people. They make them feel guilty when they shouldn’t be feeling guilty for anything. They work their asses off on these movies out of respect for the memories of those lost, and people out there are fucking protesting them??? How would all you painters out there feel if you made a painting of the twin towers on fire and galleries around the nation got into a bidding war for it. In the end you’re cut a nice fat check and you donate some of it to 9/11 charities but you take most of it home so you can EAT. Yet you can’t sleep at night because there’s a group of fucking protestors outside your apartment carrying signs. For everyone that believes in this argument, how about you go talk to the NYC fire and police departments and ask them why they still “paid” their employees while the crisis was still going on and shortly thereafter. People still have to make a living, folks. And I was astonished that many actors/crew members of these films have donated portions of their paycheck to 9/11 charities, yet people are still bitching about how they’re just cashing in on the disaster. Hell, United 93 even donated a large percentage of its profits to these organizations, and people still bitched. Not to mention both of these films have gotten 100% approval from all the family members of individuals in which the stories are based off of. Yet I still hear bitching. The point of all this is if you don’t like the concept of Hollywood making movies out of the 9/11 events then GET THE FUCK OVER IT. The best you can do is stay at home during the films’ release. There’s no need to start a war here, especially since one is already going on overseas BECAUSE of 9/11. If the real life family members are kind enough to respect the films getting made, then the rest of us don’t have room to talk. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/08/the_rant_leave_911_movies_alo.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/08/the_rant_leave_911_movies_alo.html Wed, 02 Aug 2006 20:57:00 -0600 THE RANT: KEVIN FEDERLINE- KILL YOURSELF! By Clint Fletcher Ladies and gentlemen, it is time. After months of bashing in my Short Takes column, it is now time to get into the meat of my complete and utter hatred for the stupid wigger known as Kevin Federline. Kevin Federline, you should KILL YOURSELF. And I don’t mean “oh haha I don’t like you so I’m saying you should kill yourself but I don’t really mean it.” I mean you should take that gun you have (you’re a “rapper” so I’m sure you have one), put it in your mouth… and blow your fucking brains out. You are the most worthless piece of shit that God has ever created. You make retards look like Pulitzer Prize winners. But worst of all…. You made Britney Spears fat. How in the holy fuck did all of this happen? Why did she marry him again? Was it all some evil joke? Is it all a publicity stunt? It just makes no sense. Now that they screwed and have already produced two children, even if Federline did kill himself (or better yet, someone assassinate him) there will still be two evil spawns lurking the Earth to carry on the Douchebag Legacy that will affect my children and my children’s children. They will both be white rappers yet no one will ever hear their music. They will find young, hot musicians to impregnate and marry, only later to ruin their image and career so they can divorce and steal all their money. The Empire grows. The legacy continues. I hate to say it… but do you know who we need? The DC Sniper! Somebody let that dude out of jail for one last mission. I’m sure he could get past the Spears security in the blink of an eye! Although I fear that his head may be too big to fit through the sniper-scope. We’re going to fry the sniper dude anyway, can’t we work out something where Federline goes down with him? The DC Sniper was sick and tired of all the fucking douchebags walking the Earth so he decided to start offing people, but the problem was he never did any research on who he shot. Sadly, he shot mostly random good people and it was a sad story. He obviously missed his true mark since Federline still walks the planet. But seriously, I ask you…. what is this fucking waste of life good for? He can’t sing for shit, he doesn’t have a courteous bone in his body, and if he ever left his LA safe-zone he would get the total shit kicked out of him by every black dude on the planet. He doesn’t even attempt to not look like a scum bag, he wears clothes that fit Rueben Studdard, and he goes clubbing every night and fucks God knows how many people while clueless Britney stays home and watches her nanny raise the babies. Not to mention he’s rude to EVERY single living organism he comes into contact with… even cute little bunnies. He spits on cute little bunnies and flicks cigarette butts at them. Its just a shame. I heard that he signed a pre-nup that only allows him $25 grand for every year that they were married if they do divorce. I’m sure with his custom-made backwards hats and the pounds upon pounds of cocaine he sniffs that the money would be gone in a month, so at least we don’t have to worry about him being rich. But what if he shoots Britney first? Then would he get all of it? I’m sure she has Dumb Bitch Life Insurance, which is A LOT of money. These are all reasons why Federline should off himself and fast. And what is all this about Britney wanting to keep her family together? What the hell kind of family are you talking about and what kind of image are you trying to save? You are now fat and you already were white trash, its just now you’re fat and white trash. You married a white trash husband who is using your money to try and cross 8 mile with no talent. You’re a stupid musician who never could sing. You were only famous because you were a hot dancer but the hot is no more. And we all know you guys are getting divorced anyway, even if Federline were a good guy. This is just what happens in Hollywood. Perhaps maybe you did it to gain publicity? Too bad your husband has stolen the white trash spotlight from you. Although I will say he makes you look like a wholesome virgin again while standing next to you. That wasn’t a compliment. I’m just shocked you found the only person in the world that would make you look wholesome. So that’s why you married him!!! But most importantly… the paparazzi need to stay the hell away from this dude. The paparazzi are evil, and as evil and powerful as Kevin Federline is, he will do nothing but feed off the press and grow stronger. If the latest remake of The Omen taught us anything, its that the Anti-Christ will seek a position fame and power. This could be Federline now, or it could be his son. Even more reason to kill his sorry ass. Then I could go back to reading about Paris Hilton. Then the world will be safe forever once we find a way to kill her too. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/07/the_rant_kevin_federline_kill.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/07/the_rant_kevin_federline_kill.html Sat, 01 Jul 2006 23:23:00 -0600 SHORT TAKES- JULY 2006 By Clint Fletcher TELEVISION Blade: The Series, a watered down version of the popular films (based on a comic no one read) premiered on Spike TV Wednesday night with surprisingly high numbers. The 2-hour premiere pulled in 2.5 million viewers which sets the record for highest rated series ever for the network. Its also the ONLY Spike TV series ever. I guess that helps with things doesn’t it? In other ratings news, TNT’s season premiere of The Closer received the highest ratings EVER for a single basic cable episode. This past weekend it also got an early renewal by the network for a third season. Slow down, guys. Let’s not put too much pressure on the producers. Just look at The OC. Speaking of which, die-hard fans of The OC will be disappointed to hear that Fox has only ordered 16 episodes for a fourth season of the teen drama. Why is this a big deal? Most television seasons for a main network average at 22 episodes per season. The O.C. actually averages 25 episodes per season. Cutting the upcoming season almost in half is a bad sign for the show… things don’t look good for a fifth season. This could be due to the fact that the powerhouse hit Grey’s Anatomy is getting moved to Thursday nights competing in its time slot, or it could be because everyone realizes the actors are 30 year-olds playing teenagers. And just when that stupid bitch Marissa died… I must give a special RIP shout-out to television producer Aaron Spelling. He was a really old dude that gave us the classics such as Starsky and Hutch, The Love Boat, Dynasty, Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210 and any other show involving an “evil twin” plot line. I was kind of hoping Tori Spelling would shut the fuck up sometime this century since she’s no longer famous (or never really was), but now with the death of her dad she now has a good excuse for more interviews. In a recent poll at tv.com, viewers were asked to vote for their favorite Summer series. In the lead is Dead Zone on USA, and close runners’ up are Entourage and Rescue Me. Gee, I didn’t even know USA still existed. And I didn’t know anyone watched Dead Zone. And I didn’t know that was Anthony Michael Hall from The Breakfast Club…glad to see he didn’t kill himself with the rest of the 80’s child stars. Rehab works wonders, folks. MUSIC Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finally tied the knot this week. Word on the street is that she made him sign a pre-nup, which stated there would be an automatic divorce if Urban were to turn into a dirty, drug-using hippie again. At least he’s not gay like her last husband, she should be thankful for that. Eminem did a surprise performance with Busta Rhymes at the BET Awards last week. This has sparked many rumors of a comeback from the extremely white rapper. But, in a statement released this weekend, Eminem still has no plans to record a new album anytime soon. Although he did mention that he’s looking to make a new movie… a big screen remake of the TV series Have Gun- Will Travel as a bounty hunter. Well of course you have a gun and are willing to travel dude… you’re a rapper. The film’s title will soon appropriately be changed to “Have Gun- Will Travel Across 8 Mile Mothafuckas.” Well pot-heads, its official. Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards WILL be playing Jack Sparrow’s father in next year’s third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. At a press conference last week, Johnny Depp had this to say: “I told them they had to cast Richards because he’s my dealer. He always knows where to find the good shit.” Speaking of drugs, Bow Wow is reportedly starting a VERY early retirement after his next album to focus on his acting career. That’s a smart move. He really does need to concentrate more with his roles in 4 Fast 4 Furious and Waist Deep 2: Waist Deep in Dogg Shit. And Kevin Richardson (who?) has now quit the Backstreet Boys for good. He claims that he would like to focus on “other interests” like sucking cock full time. Wow… without Kevin it looks like the Backstreet Boys may be feeling a little… Incomplete. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Apparently Paris Hilton is looking to give up her partying days to focus on her music. In a statement last week she had this to say- "Just because my last name's Hilton and I come from this family, it doesn't mean I can't be talented or know music or know what I'm doing." No, I did not add that myself. That was a real statement and the bitch really is that stupid. And now comes the part where I usually unleash on how we can rid the world of Paris Hilton, but God bless technology. Now I can just tell you to go here- http://filmmonthly.com/Rant/050105.html MOVIES The MTV Movie Awards premiered June 8 with a weak-ass hosting job by brainless, talent-less Jessica Alba. But God bless technology, now I can just tell you to go here- http://filmmonthly.com/Rant/030106.html It is confirmed- James Cameron has officially lost his mind. Since he hasn’t made a movie in the past ten years and has no audience to speak to, he hopped on over to Disney Land for the premiere of Pirates 2. There he could be found shooting his mouth off about his new projects to anyone that would listen. According to King of the Assholes, he has two sci-fi trilogies in the works and he plans to direct all six of these films. Both of them are whacked out ideas and only the geekiest of nerds would enjoy them. Somehow I don’t see Cameron being the success he used to be. Maybe its because he’s getting old and anything he says is like listening to George Lucas plan future projects. “But… you’re going to die soon. How is this happening?”. Listen up, pot-heads. I have another story for you. Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam is coming to a theater near you in 2007. This comes directly from the two leads, um… the Indian dude and the Chinese dude. Speaking of flicks in 2007, the Spidey 3 teaser is now up on the web (pun intended) and it looks mighty fine. I think the comic book geek/virgins might get their juicy Venom goodness they’ve been hoping for after all. This is also reportedly the last Spidey outing for both Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. Though Sam Raimi has expressed interest in staying on through five more Spidey films. FIVE! Well, at least James Franco and Bruce Campbell will still be available. In other comic news, buzz on the Wolverine spin-off is firing up with word that production is starting soon and they may even aim for a late 2007 release date. The current draft of the script (reviews can be found on the net) features many other villains from the X-Men universe, including a young Sabertooth. And this just came in- I’m never having sex again. Thanks to The Favs (aka Jon Favreau), Iron Man has snagged the first weekend in May of 2008 for a release date. Virgins everywhere, rejoice. In other news, Rob Zombie has been tapped to direct the remake of Halloween. Apparently they want to turn the long-dead Halloween franchise into an even bigger piece of shit franchise by handing over the reigns to a man that made the two most bizarre films in horror history. In a statement a few weeks ago, Zombie said “its not a remake, but more of a re-imagining. Well, it has a little bit from the original so I guess parts of it are a remake. And I’m a crazy fuck who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” While we’re at it, let’s hand over a Hellraiser remake to Bow Wow. The Break-Up and Cars soar as The Omen and The Lake House (aka Speed 3) under-perform. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift continues to hold in the top ten thanks mostly to a boost from Vin Diesel and his 5 minute cameo. Oh and Bow Wow’s in it too- the movie that made him a big enough star to quit rapping. Click opened big, proving audiences still click with Adam Sandler (I’m so funny!) and Superman Returns is opening big this weekend. God knows if it will make back its $250 million budget. Do you know how many cars Bow Wow could supe up with that kind of cash? Wow. Bow Wow. Happy 4th bitches! http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/07/short_takes_july_2006.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/07/short_takes_july_2006.html Sat, 01 Jul 2006 23:15:00 -0600 SUPERMAN RETURNS by Clint Fletcher I’ve never had such an anticipation build-up from my friends and fellow readers as there has been for this Superman review. Anybody that knows me knows that I’ve been preaching this movie for months, and that I was probably at the first showing dressed as Supes himself last night (and you would be right). It became official a long time ago- I’m a Superman nerd. So much like the press, perhaps I hyped up this movie more than I should have. Superman Returns is a pretty good film, but I was hoping for GREAT. This film was not what I expected. I guess I was expecting something more along the lines of Batman Begins. I don’t necessarily mean it was different in a bad way… just not what I expected. For those of you non-Supes fans out there, the film has “returns” in the title because for the past 5 years, Superman has been away from Earth. After discovering possible remnants of his destroyed home planet Krypton, Superman travels into a different galaxy to seek answers from his past. When he returns, he finds that a lot of things have changed. Lex Luthor is out of jail. Lois is engaged to Cyclops and has a son with him. Metropolis looks like New York. And most of the world, especially Lois, has gotten used to not having a Superman around. Hell, when Clark comes back it seems as if he’s hesitant himself to bring back Supes, or worse yet… what he really stands for this time. Then of course Lex comes up with an outrageous scheme to take over the world and profit from it as usual. Poor Clark. After all, its hard to get back into the swing of things when your ex won the Pulitzer Prize for writing an article on how the world doesn’t need you anymore. The film is strangely paced, as it takes a while for things to get moving in the beginning. But after the first half-hour, scenes start to flow much more properly as Superman kicks into high gear by saving a crashing plane full of people. I’ll get right to the point of the film’s biggest problem- Lex Luthor. Half the film focuses on Superman’s return and the other half focuses on Lex’s plot to take over the world. This plan involves stealing Kryptonian crystals from Superman’s Fortess of Solitude, and using them to create giant Kryptonian islands, which would result in the eventual destruction of the US by earthquakes, black-outs, gas explosions, etc. Confused? Yeah, so was I. But whatever. I am so fucking sick of these “villains taking over the world” scenarios. They’re outrageous, confusing, stupid and retarded. These plot lines can be found in almost every comic book movie ever made, even the good ones. It ruined Fantastic Four and came close to ruining X-Men as well. Hell even Spiderman 2 and Batman Begins had villains that had these giant, catastrophic plans to rule the world in one way or another. I’m just sick of it. Its stupid and retarded. So, much like the other comic book movies, when the movie focuses on Lex and his evil plan, I could give two shits and rolled my eyes with sheer boredom. It helped in the earlier Superman films when Gene Hackman was Lex. The Lex Luthor I know (from the comics and previous films) was devilishly witty, fun, and darkly humorous. So because of the comedy, that’s what made the Lex scenes so entertaining and helped us greatly to get through the mandatory plot. But this time, God bless Kevin Spacey but he did absolutely nothing with this character. He played it so straight and narrow that he was stiff as a board in most scenes. The only time I was entertained by him was during his screen time with Kate Bosworth or Brandon Routh. When he has an opposing character to play off of, then he gets a little more fun with it, but never to the point of total satisfaction. This brings me to my next point- the casting. Surprisingly enough… Brandon Routh is the best actor in this movie. Now I don’t mean he’s the best in general, but he did the best job in his respective role. Routh IS Superman. He lives and breathes him in every single frame and when he wasn’t on screen, I wanted him back fast. His Superman is great, but his Clark Kent is even better. Picking up where Christopher Reeve left off, I thought this new Clark was even more of a bumbling idiot than before. Loved it. And Kate Bosworth was okay as Lois. I didn’t mind her. But just about any actress could play Lois Lane, I mean how hard could it be? Oh and kudos to the casting of Parker Posey, who was the only form of entertainment in the Luther scenes. I typically hate Posey and her dry-witted style, but I absolutely lover her here and her comedic timing was top-notch. Besides these three actors, everyone else was just there to kill space. No one impressed me. Jimmy Olsen wasn’t funny, Perry White had no personality much like Frank Langella himself, Eva Saint was poorly underused as Martha Kent, and James Marsden plays the “good guy that gets shit on for the hero” blandly for the millionth time (three X-Men movies, The Notebook, and now SR). Must be hard always playing a total vagina that never gets the girl, huh? And there was a lot of press surrounding Kal Penn (Harold and Kumar) playing Lex’s right hand man. Penn is a hilarious dude and I thought he would um… I don’t know… SPEAK in the movie! This guy has maybe one line, max. Another complete waste of talent. The other biggest problem is the undefined establishment of timeline continuity with this film compared to the other Supes films. Most are saying it is a sequel to Superman II, but even the writers themselves said it was undefined and won’t give a straight answer. WHAT THE HELL?! The reason I bring this up is because a lot of shit went down in Superman II, including Lois discovering Clark is Superman. But it appears as if she has no clue in the new movie. Now many out there believe in the “mind-erasing kiss” theory when Clark kisses Lois at the end of Part II so she forgets he’s Superman, but I would like for someone that’s a part of Superman Returns to end this madness. I was totally confused… does she know he’s Superman? Or no? Yes she does. No she doesn’t. I WANT ANSWERS! It seems like I’ve been bashing the film up to this point, but the truth is SR is a kickass movie for the most part. The action is breathtaking and Singer definitely has put the emotion back in to a Superman movie. I felt every heartbreaking moment that Clark did, from when he lost all his powers and fell from the sky to him getting his ass kicked by Luthor’s thugs. It was a very good film and it has lots of high points, much more high points than low. And there were even some good twists I didn’t see coming… one involving Lois’s son that will greatly affect the future Superman films. Well now that Superman has returned… let’s move on to the sequel and give the Man of Steel a real villain… he’s tired of fighting a bald human always looking for some good real estate. While Superman Returns does not go without flaws, its still one of the most entertaining movies of the year. I recommend it to anyone of all ages, and I also suggest you see it on an IMAX theater if you can. The 3-D scenes are amazing. SUPES IS BACK BABY AND HE’S HERE TO STAY!!! http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/06/superman_returns.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/06/superman_returns.html Wed, 28 Jun 2006 21:54:00 -0600 SHORT TAKES- JUNE 2006 by Clint Fletcher TELEVISION In the American Idol finale, Jay Leno duked it out with the stupid whore and won. Was there ever any doubt that Taylor Hicks would lose to total phony Katharine McPhee in the end? You bet your ass there was! But more importantly, why does Taylor’s dad look ten years younger than he does? It goes without question that the finale was the most watched of all finales this year, mainly due to the appearances of homosexual superstars Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, Prince and of course Simon Cowell. In other finale news, the great battle between the Alias series finale and the 24 finale ended Monday night with 24 jumping 12 notches forward placing 8th in the ratings (its usual spot is 20th) while the Alias finale didn’t even crack the top twenty. And OC fans sobbed violently last week as Mischa Barton (Marissa) was violently killed off the show in its third season finale. Barton also took it upon herself to ruin the surprise by announcing the death was happening just hours before the show aired on Access Hollywood. And rumor has it she wanted out of her four year contract, resulting in plenty of childish outbursts on the set. Good luck with your “film career” honey. What’s that movie you made again? Jack Shit? ABC’s fan favorite Invasion was cancelled just days before the supposed “season finale” aired, and since they didn’t have time to go back and shoot a series finale, fans were mighty pissed off and confused at the cliffhanger ending last week. A petition has already started on the internet to bring the show back. So if you still live with your mother you might want to check that out at- http://www.petitiononline.com/33030/petition-sign.html On the FX front, the network’s widely popular Rescue Me kicked off its third season Tuesday night. During the episode the networks aired a trailer for the upcoming sixth season of The Shield, which has fans terribly confused as to when the official start date is. This next season is also reportedly the last for the cop drama, throwing even more confusion into the mix. Also, for those of you dreamers out there- FX is having a television pilot contest hosted by the network’s president himself. If you send in a half hour, comedy pilot script that they like, they will give you $50,000 to shoot it. For more information go to their website or tune in to “Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia”, the most fucked up comedy on television. Expect a quiet Summer on the television front with the only shows worth watching being Rescue Me, HBO’s Entourage and TNT’s hit The Closer. But since all of those air on cable, it will allow for shit like “So You Think You Can Dance” to shoot up the ratings charts. Enjoy. MUSIC Fresh on that Idol Bandwagon comes Taylor Hick’s first cd entitled “Stop Calling Me Jay Leno.” It will feature three singles that were all performed during the Idol season and will hit stores on June 13. In other news, Kanye West and Ludacris won a law suit filed by musicians from New Jersey claiming their hit “Stand Up” was originally their idea and concept. Of course the more famous rappers won because they have more money. A quote from Ludacris- “This whole experience is proof to me of why I will always fight for what I believe in… at least until next week when I go back to not caring about anything except rap and my dread locks.” Ten jurors returned the verdict after less than a day of deliberations in the two-week trial in U.S. District Court in Manhattan, where they were forced to watch music videos by Kanye West until they cracked. In other news, Widespread Panic is now jumping on the “Movie Theater Concert” band wagon. They announced last week that performances from their upcoming tour will be broadcast live in movie theaters across the nation. This concept has become widely popular as WP joins the likes of KISS, Rush, Grateful Dead, Rolling Stones, Bon Jovi and Green Day who all have deals to air live performances in theaters. Many like this concept because they don’t have to deal with filthy, drunken hippies all day long and can enjoy a nice, air-conditioned, weed-free environment. Currently AMC and Regal have deals to show live concerts in over 850 theaters nationwide. And yes, Kevin Federline is still pretending to be a stupid-fucking-untalented-white trash rapper. Well, at least the white trash part is true. Kidding. All of it is true. MOVIES According to the public, Mission: Impossible 3 is a huge success. But according to Hollywood its a big disappointment compared to the receipts of the two previous installments, and also considering it didn’t even make its budget back. According to People Magazine, 60-something percent of Americans blame this fact on Tom Cruise’s wacky behavior. Come on, guys. If we based every single film an actor makes on their real life morality and judgement, there would be no movies left to see. Russell Crowe and Colin Ferrell would no longer be stars and then who would we read about in the tabloids? In other news, The Da Vinci Code breaks worldwide records even though the movie blew a huge asshole. This is living proof that Tom Hanks could spit on camera for two hours and it would make money. This also has greenlit Dan Brown’s prequel Angels and Demons, which is rumored to have Steven Spielberg attached to it. Slow down, guys. One shitty novel adaptation at a time. Speaking of records, X3 (I refuse to call it X-Men 3: The Last Stand) broke the record for best Memorial Day weekend opening ever while also cracking the top five of biggest openings EVER. As for Summer flick news, sure-fire hits Superman Returns and Clerks II bump up their release dates, SR now on June 27 and Clerks II now on July 21 (staying clear of Snakes on a Plane). Speaking of Snakes, in a recent poll by Filmthreat.com, Snakes on a Plane is officially the most anticipated movie of the Summer, just barely beating out Supes and Pirates 2. In upcoming movie chatter, comedian Chris Tucker is now the highest paid actor in Hollywood for nailing a $25 million paycheck from New Line to appear in Rush Hour 3, due out late next year. I guess this finally answers the question where the hell Tucker has been- http://filmmonthly.com/Rant/090105.html Len Wisemen (the Underworld flicks) aka Kate Beckinsale’s bitch, is in talks to direct Die Hard 4. While this news is not official yet, Bruce Willis has confirmed that the flick will be coming out next Summer and Carl Winslow from Family Matters will indeed be making another appearance. No word yet on whether Willis will wear a shitty hair piece or stay bald. In indie movie news, George Wendt (the fat guy from Cheers) has a horror movie coming out soon called “Bryan Loves You.” Written and directed by Seth Landau, a former writer for The Arizona Republic, Bryan also stars Daniel Roebuck (The Devils Rejects), Tiffany Shepis (Abominable). Stay tuned for the release date. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/06/short_takes_june_2006.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/06/short_takes_june_2006.html Thu, 01 Jun 2006 19:05:00 -0600 POSEIDON by Clint Fletcher Poor Poseidon. It had so much going for it. It had a talented cast, a powerhouse director and a huge budget (over $160 million) to work with. So what the hell went wrong? After viewing this flick, I now realize why the first three letters of the title are P-O-S. At this point I could go on and on about why the movie blows. But truthfully, when it comes down to it the picture only had one terrible flaw- a shitty script. The action and special effects were great to look at and none of us really had any doubt with Wolfgang Petersen sinking the ship, seeing as how he did it quite skillfully in Das Boot and The Perfect Storm. With this said, Poseidon would’ve been a huge hit if it weren’t for those damn cheesy lines and even cheesier character development. In “Poseidon World”, all the survivors know each other by first name although none of them have ever met before. Each character is established with a background, but none of these aspects are put to use in regards to plot. Take for instance the fact that Kurt Russell’s character used to be a fireman, and yet whenever a fire emerges he looks as clueless as Tara Reid at a kindergarten Spelling Bee. Or perhaps you notice the annoying Hispanic chick Elena who was found lost, wandering about the cruise liner at the beginning of the picture, and yet hours later when she’s in peril she blurts lines like “I know this ship. Follow me.” Did Corky from Life Goes On write this script? What’s the fucking deal here, guys? Can’t you remember what you wrote five pages ago? There are plot holes bigger than Paris Hilton’s plot holes in this movie. And apparently Josh Lucas has super human strength, can fly, and is completely immune to fire. If I wanted to see a Superman movie I would wait until the actual damn Superman movie comes out next month. And I will. Bitch. Just about every supposed “emotional” moment in this cheese-fest is ruined by dreadful writing that makes the writers of Days of Our Lives look Oscar-worthy. This gets my vote for the biggest waste of talent for the year. I’m a huge fan of Kurt Russell, but he’s absolutely lifeless here. I’m also a fan of Josh Lucas and I’m glad he still manages to find work, but pick some better scripts, dude. Stealth, The Hulk and Poseidon will get you nowhere in this lifetime except straight to B-movie hell. And I also must give props to the most cliché, Hollywood ending ever. If you’ve seen Armageddon (and everyone has), then you’ve seen this ending before. And what was with Richard Dreyfuss? He was supposed to be playing a gay old man but he wasn’t funny, he wasn’t all that gay, and for an old fart like him he somehow manages to survive situations that the younger people couldn’t even get out of. Whatever. He lost his opus a long time ago and hasn’t made a decent flick since. Okay okay, so a couple GOOD things about the movie. Emmy Rossum (The Day After Tomorrow, Phantom of the Opera) is absolutely adorable and so is the cute kid with gigantic teeth. All actors do a decent job, but they just didn’t have any good lines to work with. And the effects were incredible. Again, WP knows how to sink a boat. But perhaps my favorite guilty pleasure out of this puppy is actor Kevin Dillon (aka Johnny Drama from Entourage) who basically plays a drunken Johnny Drama here too. I love this dude and I hated to see that he wasn’t in the movie much. But when he was, it was a real treat. You rock, Drama! In the end, Poseidon certainly wasn’t a terrible movie, but it wasn’t a good one either. This bland remake lands right in the middle-ground as many remakes do. I typically never say anything this cliché in my reviews but I just can’t resist- if you want real entertainment, go rent the original Poseidon Adventure. But if you enjoyed the second half of Titanic without all the lovey dovey stuff, Poseidon just may be what floats your boat. HAHAHAHA!!! http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/poseidon.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/poseidon.html Sun, 14 May 2006 21:17:00 -0600 MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III by Clint Fletcher Say hello to the first kickass action flick of 2006. Not only is M:I-3 the best of the franchise, it may quite possibly be one of the greatest action pictures ever made. First, I must give the screenwriters props for the hook in the beginning. This film should be shown in film schools around the world on how to hook an audience in the opening of your movie. The first bit, which features one of the last scenes in the movie, only lasts about 2 minutes. But boy did it grab the audience like nothing we’ve ever seen. It was chilling, merciless and sets the tone for what’s to come with maybe one page of dialogue. Secondly, I bow before whoever made the decision to pick J.J Abrams to helm this puppy. Was it Cruiser who picked him? Can’t remember. But thanks to Mr. Abrams, instead of sending the franchise spiraling downward after the success of M:I-2, this man actually INCREASES the level of energy in the series. M:I-3 is like a breath of fresh air, and it is a far different film than the first two. On top of this, it doesn’t have an unoriginal frame in its two-hour plus running time. Every single scene just oozes with originality, whether it’s a romantic scene or another mind-blowing action sequence. And thirdly, I’d like to give props to the cast. Cruiser does what needs to be done as always, backed with a terrific ensemble cast of Laurence Fishburne, Ving Rhames, Maggie Q, Jonathan Rhys Meyers and the great Philip Seymour Hoffman. Instead of having our hero bounce all over the place meeting all new people as he did in the first two flicks, a team is established in the beginning of this film and it stays that way through the end. While the previous installments felt more like a Cruise vehicle, this one felt much more like a very talented ensemble with tons of chemistry to boot. Everyone breezes through their parts respectively, but I must give very special kudos to two performers. The first is Hoffman. I can’t remember the last time I was actually terrified of a villain on screen. But man did this guy make me shit my pants… twice! I really believed he was going to kill my family, all of my friends and all of their friends and all of their pets right in front of me before feeding me to sharks with laser beams on their heads in a tub full of battery acid. I loved every frame this guy was in, which sadly wasn’t much. He’s only in the flick about 15 minutes, sporadically throughout. The second performer is the adorable Michelle Monaghan, who played Hunt’s love interest. Where did this girl come from and why haven’t I heard of her until now? Anyway, it takes a strong actress to overcome the damsel-in-distress cliché and Monaghan escapes this with stripes. She actually turns out to be one tough cookie in the closing ten minutes. On top of everything mentioned above, this third installment is a mass improvement over the first two flicks. The original had to much spy stuff and not enough action, while the second one had too much action and not enough spy stuff. The third one is a perfect blend of both, with tons of new high tech gadgetry to play around with. But M:I-3 succeeds as an action flick far more than anything else. It’s been years since a film has ever made my heart pound this much, with breath-taking stunts (mostly by the actors themselves), some killer sound effects and creative fight choreography. Once this baby gets going, there's nothing stopping it for the remainder of its running time. Its got great pace and moves a hundred miles a minute. Also, this film is the first ever to really dive into Ethan Hunt’s personal life, which I thought was a great decision to make. We actually get to see the IMF offices for the first time. We get to meet his bosses, we get to meet his girlfriend, we get to meet his friends. We get to see how being a secret agent badass affects his personal life, as he is attempting to retire for good to marry the woman he loves. This brings me to my next point, the love story. There is a love angle this time and it actually has a purpose to the plot. It is handled very gracefully and quickly, but the Cruiser and Monaghan are so effective in their roles that we feel their love for each other almost immediately (how about that non-verbal roof scene, awesome), which severely raises the stakes in the third act. This was something the first two installments were lacking, as M:I-2 attempted a love story but failed miserably as it came off pointless and cheesy. And speaking of cheesy, the second installment was filled with TONS of “Cruise has to be gay” moments as he was flying around in slow motion with his girly haircut. Sure, I bought that Hunt was a smart guy with many talents from the first flick, but I just didn’t buy him as an action badass in the second one. Well, thank God he cut his friggin hair and they gave us a backstory on his training in this one, because I thoroughly believed Hunt was a killing machine badass in every frame of M:I-3. And thank God there are no more “Cruise is gay” moments which are all long gone. Mission: Impossible III will likely be remembered as the best action flick of 2006. And as far as myself goes, it has beat out United 93 for best movie of the year thus far. Everyone should see it on the big screen while they have a chance and you will NOT be disappointed. Kudos to Cruise and Co. for delivering one of the best trilogies in movie history with each flick having its own unique look, feel, story and voice. M:I-3… the movie so good you’ll need to take a morning-after pill. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/mission_impossible_3.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/mission_impossible_3.html Sat, 06 May 2006 21:56:00 -0600 THE RANT: LAY OFF SLY! by Clint Fletcher This is for all you Stallone haters out there. Lay the fuck off! So what if he wants to do Rocky 6 or Rambo 4? Sure, he’s old as shit, but does he really deserve all the bad press he’s been getting over the past six months? I mean, this is Judge fucking Dredd we’re talking about here! Sylvester Stallone was once the highest paid actor in Hollywood, and some of you bitches need to remember that and show the dude some respect. About a month ago, a recent poll was taken on a popular website (so popular I forget the name). The poll question was this- which Stallone sequel are you most looking forward to? Sixty percent of people said “neither, Stallone is too old for either film and is embarrassing himself.” This infuriates me. Has anyone seen Stallone lately? Okay, so he’s pushing past sixty years old. But the man’s got the body of a 35 year-old. And many of you may say “but what about his face?” What about it? His face always looked like it got bashed in with a tire iron on one side, but it hasn’t changed since the first time we saw him. Matter of fact, he’s had that droopy face ever since he was born. In high school he was voted most likely to kill his classmates because he got teased so much. And the fun didn’t stop afterwards when he attended Forest Whitaker University. Because of this, Sly saw no choice but to cast himself as a stupid boxer in his own script. That way everyone would just think his character had previously gotten his face bashed in during a match. Plus Rocky is retarded, so others would think “well, he looks pretty normal for a retard.” But the point is this- against all ugly odds and terrible looks, Sly worked his way to the top and had a lot to show for it- just like Rocky. But sadly, as all action heroes do, Stallone has fallen hard in the past decade. He can now be found in the straight-to-DVD section next to Wesley Snipes. Wesley fucking Snipes, man! Sly doesn’t deserve to fall that low. Nobody does. Somebody catch him. I’ve felt his pain over the years and the man deserves a comeback. For those of you that argue Sly is too old for a Rocky 6, I’d like to invite you to kiss my white ass. Even the man himself has a good argument- George Foreman came back past the age of sixty and regained the Heavyweight Championship Title. The fictional Rocky is younger than George Foreman. Plus Stallone is in great shape, so why couldn’t he come back? He can and he IS! And this time he has a new manager- Yours Truly. Check out the picture above for proof. In addition, there are more Rambo 4 protestors out there than anyone else and I ask you… why? Do you think its because Stallone would look ridiculous at his age sporting the Rambo costume, or lack there of? Of course he will! Rambo 4 will be the funniest comedy this side of Wedding Crashers, and it should be 100% made! It will almost be as funny as Indiana Jones 4! And when both films come out I’m sure someone will sell them both together for the “Grandpa Adventure Pack”. In case I didn’t get my point across, Sly is the man and people need to shut the fuck up about his comeback. Let the man do his thing. I mean geez, he’s the creator of such classics as Demolition Man and Tango and Cash. And let’s not forget the greatest movie ever made- Over the Top. Stallone is a fucking legend and should be treated as such. For anyone that disagrees, feel free to line up and suck John J. Rambo’s big, long shlong because it will be the last thing you will ever choke on. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/the_rant_lay_off_sly.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/the_rant_lay_off_sly.html Fri, 05 May 2006 12:04:00 -0600 UNITED 93 by Clint Fletcher First off, I would like to address the obvious issue that is going on with this movie. The question on everyone’s mind is- is the Nation ready for a 9-11 movie? Or more importantly, am I ready for a 9-11 movie? The answers to these questions will probably determine whether you will go see United 93 or not. Personally I believe that there will never be a good time for a 9-11 movie, so no better time like the present then, right? As a filmmaker, it is hard to make films covering emotional events such as this. You will get a lot of flack for it and people will accuse you of many things that may or may not be true. I’ve experienced this on a small scale with one of my own films a few years back. Backlash for whatever reason is no fun. So I must give kudos to director Paul Greengrass for having the courage to stand up against half a nation of backlash to get this flick made. With that said, you may not want to see United 93, but you should. It is a very earnest and respectful film that got the approval of every single family member of the victims of the doomed flight. That was enough for me and it should be enough for you. It is not blown up for cinematic effect and it is not exaggerated in any way, shape or form. It is very blunt, raw, and at times, very gruesome to watch. But everyone should see it. Everyone should see what these people went through. Nobody on God’s green Earth WANTS to see anything this horrible, but sometimes it is necessary. Even if you think you know the story of United 93, chances are there are still details in the story that you have not yet heard of. I thought I knew the story as well as anyone, but it turns out I didn’t know shit. To my surprise, while the movie is difficult to watch, it wasn’t near as difficult as I imagined beforehand. As a matter of fact, the first 45 minutes of the film barely focuses on flight 93, but instead brings attention to the numerous air traffic control stations dealing with the mass confusion of planes being hijacked. The negative energy, the raw paranoia, the unspoken dread and angst in the air is expressed well as Greengrass decides once again to go handheld (like the annoying Bourne Supremacy) but this time with a purpose. He wants to put you on the level with these people as if you were right there with him, and he succeeds greatly. Then after the two planes hit the towers and the traffic controllers scramble to find out which other planes have been hijacked, the film switches its attention back on to flight 93. The last 45 minutes play out in real time as the hijackers take over the plane and the passengers band together and attempt to take down the hijackers. This is where it gets difficult to watch. But again, I feel that its necessary. Although we all know how this story ends, the ending to this movie will still haunt you for days, and with good purpose. This film does not ruin the memories of these lives lost, it honors them with great dignity and respect. Think of it as a video memorial. But it is definitely a story that I feel 1) needs to be told and 2) needs to be seen and heard by everyone. Now of course if you just know you don’t have the stomach for it, then by all means, don’t torture yourself by sitting through it. But there will come a time where every American will have to look back on this horrible day at some point or another. I’m glad my day came while watching United 93. This is the best film of the year, and is likely to stay that way through the remainder of 2006. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/united_93.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/united_93.html Fri, 05 May 2006 11:51:00 -0600 SHORT TAKES- MAY 2006 by Clint Fletcher TELEVISION The producers of ER have finally lost their minds. After years of making terrible casting decisions, this one takes the cake. John Stamos, who did a brief stint as a boring paramedic on the show, will be joining the cast as a regular next season. So let me get this straight. Stamos appears for two episodes and no one notices. But John Leguizamo has appeared in numerous episodes all season, boosting the ratings and bringing ER out of its tired coma. According to reports, Leguizamo would love to join as a regular. So the producers say no to him and yes to fucking Uncle Jesse??? No wonder everyone watches Grey’s Anatomy now. The WB’s 7th Heaven has their series finale episode this week which shows the Camdens joining a church of devil worshipers. What a way to go, guys. Speaking of the Camdens, actor Barry Watson’s new ABC show What About Brian is getting picked up for a season 2 due to fair ratings. But after it gets cancelled next fall (I’m sure it will) what will Barry do then since there’s no 7th Heaven to fall back on? Boogeyman 2? Two main characters were shot and killed on Lost Wednesday night. Coincidentally, these are the same two actresses that got arrested for drunk driving a couple months back- Cynthia Watros and notorious drunken bitch Michelle Rodriguez. Could it be possible that ABC is sending a message? Could ABC possibly stand for Alcoholic Beverage Commission? Speaking of alcoholics, Kiefer Sutherland just signed a deal upwards of $40 million to appear in the next three seasons of 24. This new deal not only gives Sutherland his own production company at Fox to produce new pilots, but it also makes him the highest paid actor in dramatic television today. Besides the Lost stars, those damn dirty italians are at it again. Actors John Ventimiglia and Louis Gross were arrested earlier this week for separate reasons- Ventimiglia for drug possession and Gross for attempted robbery. Its official. Every star of the Sopranos has now been arrested. Now onto our juicy rumor mill. Joey star Matt LeBlanc officially filed for divorce a few weeks ago from his supermodel wife of two years. Officially, it was noted that the break-up was due to stress of a brain condition his daughter has, and his show not being funny. Unofficially, people have been spotting him smooching with actress and Joey co-star Andrea Anders (Alex). Sounds like Matt could use some “friends” right about now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUSIC Nick Lachey is a singer? Oh yeah, I forgot. I guess after mooching off your wife for five years you forget the dude actually had a job once. This will be brought up again and more extensively in the movie section, but I’m getting really sick and tired of these douchebag stars spouting off at the mouth as if we care about their lives. Ever since Nick’s album got released at the beginning of the month, I can’t go a week without him releasing some sort of statement saying “my heart is broken, but my music isn’t about Jessica” or “I hope to find true love again and I promise I’m not gay.” Dude, how about committing suicide like the rest of 98 Degrees because we’re fresh out of “give a shit” passes here. On a happier note, I got to meet Kiefer Sutherland in person this past weekend. Why am I mentioning this in the music section, you may ask? Sutherland was recently in Nashville promoting a documentary about the band he manages called Rocco Deluca and the Burden. This band kicks ass and anyone who enjoys rock should check out their brand new album “I Trust You To Kill Me.” On a personal note, Kiefer is a really cool dude in person. Very polite and well mannered. I wish his band the best of luck. Canadian singer Celine Dion has returned to performing in Las Vegas, Nevada, after suffering from labyrinthitis - an inflammation of the inner ear which causes dizziness, loss of balance and a nails-on-a-chalkboard voice. She is said to be doing well with her grandfather husband, bitchy attitude and big-nosed face. Her contract is up in 2007 and she will then be replaced by an even uglier Cher. In other news, I want everyone to know that I try desperately hard to take a month off of reporting news about Britney Spears. But by God, she keeps getting knocked up. It was announced yesterday that Spears will be having a little girl. It was also announced that the little girl will have a deadbeat douchebag for a father. Shocking news, indeed. MOVIES The following is a list of people who need to shut the holy fuck up this month about their problems because NO ONE CARES. Here we go… Denise Richards, Macaulay Culkin, Nick Lachey, Heather Locklear, Paris Hilton, P Diddy, Kevin Federline, Ryan Seacrest, Teri Hatcher and every other cast member of Desperate Housewives. If your name is on the list, you’ve been talking too much this past month and frankly, no one gives a rat’s ass. You’re speaking to dead ears because you’re not talented enough for us to listen. Stop talking and try to sound intelligent through silence. Perhaps the news that’s been getting more coverage than anything else is the birth of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s baby- Suri. Cruise has been out promoting M:I-3 lately and so far he’s behaved himself. This is probably due to the fact that he fired his Scientologist sister as his publicist. Even Cruise himself realized he needed to be less crazy and more restrained. Meanwhile M:I-3 is getting great reviews while United 93 bombed big time. Only in America does a movie called RV starring Robin Williams make more money than a film about one of the biggest terrorist attacks in history. I guess people just weren’t ready for a 9-11 movie, and I doubt they’ll be ready for the big budget World Trade Center this Summer either. May certainly hasn’t brought a hit at the box office as Ice Age 2 is still the only film to pass the $100 million mark so far this year. Things are heating up though with M:I-3, The Da Vinci Code, Poseidon and X3 on the way. In future movie news, a prequel to Halloween has been greenlit. This script will follow the story of Michael Myers as a young man before he got sent to the looney bin. It will more than likely star Jamie Lee Curtis and they will use CGI to make her look 50 years younger. Just a hunch. Comic book fans, rejoice. An Iron Man movie is definitely on the way. A script review is out on the internet and received decent markings at best. And Fox seems like they’re coming to their senses with this latest idea. Instead of green-lighting a Silver Surfer movie, they are now thinking of integrating that character in to Fantastic Four 2. This is a great idea, because I ask you- does anyone really care about the Silver Surfer stand-alone comics? I mean, he kicked ass when he did crossovers but by himself it was just boring. Plus, FF2 could use a good villain after the dreadful Dr. Doom was ruined by cheesy acting and a Power Rangers-looking costume. Now if only they could replace the actor playing Mr. Fantastic himself… Until next time, kids. http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/short_takes_may_2006.html http://blog.filmmonthly.com/2006/05/short_takes_may_2006.html Fri, 05 May 2006 00:00:00 -0600